Overbearing Mom

Dear Micah

I have a 13 yr old daughter that I love more than anything. My problem is that I am way too hard on her all the time. I know that I am and I can't seem to stop it. I hear all of these words of disapproval fly out of my mouth and it's too late to do anything about it. I complain about her grades not being as high as I want. I complain about her looks because she doesn't seem to care about her appearance. I nag her all the time, and I know it. I am sure she thinks I'm awful and I know I make her feel like nothing she does is good enough. Every time I do it I tell myself that I am going to control my tongue next time, but then next time comes and I do the same thing. I don't want to raise her to feel insecure or like nothing she does is right, so what can I do to stop doing this?

Crazy Mom

Dear Crazy Mom,

The solution is simple: Swallow two magnesium pills every morning, then take a brisk walk in circles around your living room while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Portuguese. What do you mean "What do I do?" You need some counseling. There are real professionals who can help you with this very real, very serious problem. Both you and your daughter need to talk out some of your issues. I am not a doctor or a therapist, but just taking a quick glance at your life through what you've told me, it sounds like you married kind of young, had your daughter, and now you are trying to live out your missed opportunities through her. I also suspect that you are widowed or divorced and do not date often, because you are directing too much frustrated energy towards you daughter. She's getting the whole of all of your fears, anxieties, and expectations,. If you weren't good in math, then she has to be great. If you weren't the popular girl, then she has to be. If you weren't the prettiest, then she should try to be. And she constantly disappoints you because everything she does comes up short of where you expect her to be. The problem with that is that you are setting the goals too high. Your daughter is never going to measure up to the fantasy daughter you have created. No one could. You didn't when you were her age. Maybe she doesn't have to be the prettiest. Maybe even if she was all fixed up she'd still be less than pretty, but that doesn't mean she isn't loveable. Everyone can't be beautiful. There have to be some plain people in the world. Besides, she's just thirteen. Wait until she wants to date, I bet she'll fix up a little then.

The most important thing for you to understand is that your time has passed. Her life isn't about what you want anymore. You had all the chances you were ever going to have to mold her when she was little. Now she is who she is and your job is to love her and guide her, not tear her down. And you made the statement "I hear all of these words of disapproval fly out of my mouth and it's too late to do anything about it", who said it was too late? The next time something flies out of your mouth that is hurtful and that you regret, stop your rant and tell your daughter, "You know what, I didn't mean that. And I'm sorry I am obsessing over this. You do it however you want to do it. I love you regardless." It really is that easy. You can always take back what you say or apologize for it. And I bet your daughter will find herself loving and appreciating her mom a little bit more for admitting her own character flaws.

Tweet Some Crow

Dear Micah,

It seems like everybody that I know is texting, and Facebooking, and Twittering and I am the only one who isn't. All of my friends do it all the time. It all sounds ridiculous to me, and I keep getting left out of things because they are all sending messages to each other. We are all women in our fifties and sixties, we aren't kids, so I don't know why they are so into this stuff. I thought I'd made great strides when I started surfing the web and getting my news on-line instead of from a newspaper. I thought that was pretty good for a grandma, but then it all changed on me and there are newer things that make me outdated again. Should I get on board, or stick to my guns and not give in to all this stuff that I really think is silly anyway?

Old Fashioned Debra

Dear Debra,

I am going to make an assumption based on the tone of your question. It sounds to me like the real issue here is that you secretly want to be Facebooking and Tweeting but you have probably made so many vocal declarations of how silly you think it all is that you can't start doing it now without looking like a fool. You don't really think you're too old to learn how to use these communication tools because you have friends your own age that have managed. Age isn't the issue. I am younger than you by a couple of decades, yet I share your stunted technological development. In fact, I just learned to text this very month. For years I had an outdated cell phone that was difficult to use to text; But now that my new phone has a keyboard, I am texting all the time! And like you, I used to make fun of the "texters". I thought they were ridiculous too. I've now had to eat those words to some degree. Don't get me wrong, I still prefer to be called than texted. I also still think it's silly to communicate solely by texting; Although, I must admit that sometimes all I really need to say is, "Buy some milk on the way home" or "The movie starts at 7:15", or "Get some shovels and get to the house quick...I've done it again!" and those things don't necessarily warrant a whole phone call. So I am beginning to love text messaging, and I love Facebook too. Facebook is a wonderful way to connect with people you care about, but don't feel like really talking to. For example, there might be an old friend you haven't seen in years that you have thought about from time to time and wondered whatever happened to them. Through Facebook you can reconnect with them without having to commit to actually inviting them into your life. Then if you find that you both seem to connect again, you can make plans to see each other.

For so long we as a society have complained that we are becoming more removed from one another. We don't know our neighbors and we don't stay in touch with friends. Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and the like have cleared the way for us to catch up with people we have lost touch with or to send a quick "Hello, I am thinking of you" without having to say anything more than that. Grandmas, like yourself, can have instant access to pictures of your grandchildren, touch base with a distant relative, or get the news about your next club meeting. So eat some crow, sign up for it all, and be in on the fun with your friends.

The Friend That Got Away

Dear Micah,

I have a very dear friend that I have thought of as a sister. However, lately it seems like she is pulling away from me and we are growing apart. She has new friends that she is always on the go with and I feel left behind. I don't want to appear too needy or to make her feel guilty for having other friends, but I really do feel like I should say something. I am tired of being left out, especially by my best friend. How should I handle this?

Sister-less

Dear Sister-less,

A considerate and empathetic person would tell you that friends should always be honest with each other and you should feel free to explain your feelings to your friend and let her know how you are feeling. But I am not very considerate or empathetic and I am often abrasively honest. Like now. Your friend is over you. If she has pulled away and is now running around with a new group of people and not making any time for you, that means that she is not fulfilled by your company anymore. This doesn't mean that you are dull, although you might be-I don't know. But most likely your friendship has just run its course and she is ready for new experiences. I have had so many wonderful friends in my lifetime. Some have remained and some haven't, but they all were important to me and served a great purpose at different intervals of my life. I learned things from every one, and I hope they learned from me, but friends are not guaranteed to stay. Our interests and needs are not always moving in the same direction. Sometimes people just intersect for a moment, forge a bond and share their lives for a little while and then continue moving on their way in opposite directions. You say this friend has been like a sister to you. Obviously she has been an important factor in your life, but that doesn't mean that she has to perpetually remain one. Sometimes it's okay for friendships to fizzle out. Maybe it's time to allow this one to as well. Remember, you don't have to hold on to a person to appreciate their contribution to your life. Besides, maybe it's time you got to have some new experience too.

Trashy Living

Dear Micah,

How can I get my husband to remember to take the trash out? He always forgets and even when I remind him, he manages to forget. It is making me angry. What can I do?

Sick of saying it

Dear Sick of Saying it,

Let the trash stay there. Wait until the house has just the right amount of stink to it, then invite your husband's friends and their spouses over for dinner. Once he sees his friends turning their noses up at how badly his house smells, he'll start remembering how important it is to take out the trash. If that fails, then start taking the trash out yourself, but instead of placing it out in the bin, put it in the back seat of his car. Do that every time he forgets. If that doesn't work then drive his mother out into the country. Stop on the side of the road to look at something. Get back in the car and leave her standing there. Later, at home, tell your husband that you'll let him know where she is only after he's taken the trash out. If that doesn't work, have sex with his brother. When he asks why you did it, tell him that your brother-in-law offered to take out the trash and that's all you the motivation you needed. If none of that works, then just divorce him and live alone. The only problem with that is that you'll end up having to take your trash out yourself anyway. So why not skip all of this and resign yourself to taking the trash out now. In the end, is it really such a big deal?

If you would like to Ask Micah for advice, please email him at MicahCargo@hotmail.com. Your question may appear in a future article.