Meddlesome Mom
Dear Micah
My husband told me tonight that our son is planning to ask his girlfriend to marry him on her birthday (which is this summer). Ever since I heard this news I am sick. I think that they are too young for marriage (he's 20 and she's 18). And there is another reason, I just plain don't like this girl. I grit my teeth and bear it every time she is around. There is just something about her I don't like. What should I do? My husband said to stay out of it, but my gut is telling me I should talk to my son.
Troubled mom

Dear Troubled Mom,
Your gut is going to be the thing that causes you to spend your last years in some nasty, low-rung nursing home because your son and daughter-in-law won't like you enough to fork out dough on quality care. Now that's a startling future isn't it? But it may not be too outrageous if you consider the years and years of bad feelings and animosities between you and your daughter-in-law which all began when you decided that it would be a smart idea to have a chat with your son about his possible engagement.
Let's face some harsh truths here, shall we? A mother will never win against a wife. And a son is not going to end a relationship because his mother doesn't approve. It's quite possible that this "something" that you don't like about her is actually just your subconscious realization that your boy is a man now and is connecting emotionally with a woman that isn't you. He's also connecting in a different way with her than he ever connected with you. But for the sake of argument let's assume that you are right and she isn't good for him and they won't be happy together. He has to have that little epiphany all on his own. You can't show that to him. Trust that you raised him to be smart enough to figure it out on his own. And when he does figure it out, he won't be angry with you in any way, because you appeared to be supportive of him the whole time. Would it be nice if he didn't marry her and have a possible divorce down the road? Of course it would. But any interference from you could mean losing him or at the very least having a tumultuous relationship with your daughter-in-law. And when there's a daughter-in-law that hates the mother-in-law, that nasty nursing home is always lurking in her fantasies.

Mid-Life Crisis Averted
Dear Micah,
I think I may be heading towards that mid-life crisis thing. I've been married a while and have a couple of kids. My whole life is spent working, running the kids around, and then sitting on the couch with the wife watching TV. It used to not bother me, but lately it does. And I find myself becoming more and more attracted to a woman at my job. I love my family and would never cheat on them, and I feel bad that it even crosses my mind. Then the other day when I took my car in for new tires, I found myself looking at the new convertibles till I realized that I was one step from being a cliche. Do you think this mood will pass, or am I about to become one of those guys.
That Guy

Dear That Guy,
Don't worry, you are not going to turn into that guy. That guy may have a shiny new sports car, and a pretty young girlfriend, but he had to give up his family to get them. That won't happen to you because you seem to possess some self-awareness that those other guys lacked. What you are going through is very common, in fact most people, not just men, go through it at a certain point in their lives. I could go through all of the fancy jargon that gets recycled in every magazine article or daytime talk show, but really it all just boils down to this...if your life was a TV show, you need to feel like you are the star. Everyone needs to be the star of their own show. Right now you feel more like you are just a recurring character in the series that is your life. You may be the straight-laced Dad character, or the subservient husband, or maybe you're the kooky neighbor. But one thing is for certain, you don't feel like the leading man. That's why many men stray and end up ruining their marriages. They feel like they play an unimportant role in their own life story. So they go out and stir up the plot. They introduce a new character to liven up the show, usually a new love interest. But you are going to be able to avoid all of that because you recognize what is going on early.
You just need to add some interest to your life. What's wrong with that convertible? Nothing. Just make sure you and your wife are buying it and enjoying it together. Maybe you and she should start doing some new things. Maybe take up some sport together, like couples tennis, or golf. Or attend some night or weekend classes at a cooking school. Take some trips. Start some hobbies together. I know several couples that have taken up wine making. They're drunk all the time, but they're happy together. You can surely find some new activities you can do that will help you to feel like your life is more about your interests than other people's needs, and you should be able to include your wife in on it so that you both grow together and not grow apart. Add some whimsical, crazy moments to your life that make it interesting again. Go on spontaneous picnics together at odd locations. Nothing says spontaneous like spreading out a blanket and eating fried chicken with your lady in a JC Penny parking lot. There all kinds of new, and odd mini-adventures to make you feel like the star of your life again, without having to cast a new love interest and ruin your family's happiness.

The Doormat

Dear Micah,
I have been seeing the same man for a little over four years. He is very good to me and I love him very much. The problem is that I want a future with him but he remains non-committal and will even disappear from my life every few months for a few days or weeks. He always says he is busy with work or he needs some alone time, but I suspect he sees other women when that happens. How can I get him to realize that we can be very happy together and he doesn't need to be afraid of committing to me?
Jesse

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse
As my grandmother would say if she were still alive, "Bless it." That's not meant to be a prayer for your happiness, that's the good old southern way of saying, "Hey ya'll, look at the idiot!" Let me recap your recent life for you: You are continuing to date a man that you have devoted four years of your precious life to, even though he has not made a commitment to you and he periodically vanishes from your life. You are right to believe that he is probably seeing other people during those times. He is dating you a while, then gets curious as to what else is out there that he's missing, so he takes some time off to find out. That's what the absences are all about. The bottom line is that he will never commit to you until he is thoroughly certain that there isn't someone else out there better than you that he can still get.
There are two kinds of men out there, actually three, but we'll not worry about the gay ones in this scenario. Nonetheless, you are likely to encounter two types of men: Men who want a relationship and are as eager as you to find that special partner; and the men who are dating everyone they can. Jesse, you have the latter of these two men. He's single and living life like a kid in a candy store. That isn't going to change any time soon and it isn't going to change for you. The sad fact is that there are just way too many women out there who are looking for a man, so when you run across one of these men who won't commit, they aren't ever going to as long as the candy store is still open. Way down the road, after he has some age on him, a few extra pounds, and all the good women like yourself are taken, he will start looking for that special lady to commit to. But you will not be her. If there is one thing you must learn while dating it is that no one ever wants the doormat. He has walked in and out of your life for four years, and you have allowed it. It's too late now to get him to respect you. In his eyes you are desperate and you are easily appeased, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to walk out on you more than once. The good news is that if you'll realize this, dump his indecisive butt and find a new man to date, this baggage doesn't have to follow you if you don't repeat the same mistakes.